Friday, April 1, 2011

Coming to a realization

Well, I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday.
This surprises me as much as it does anyone else. We were normally not a very quarrelsome couple, but this was the finale ultimo on top of it all. Our visit to each other over my spring break had been cancelled, and we weren't going to see each other again until May. We were a long distance relationship, in case you didn't guess.
It was a lot of factors, but I think the biggest two were the long distance, and the realization that I wasn't strong enough to deal with her transition.
The long distance thing meant we both spent an obscene amount of money just for the privilege of seeing each other, often only for two weeks at a time, usually at our parents' houses, before we wore out our welcome and had to leave. It was sweet, but ultimately bitter, realizing that on average we saw each other about 8 weeks out of the year, for three years in a row. That's not healthy, and the environmental impact of our visitations was drastically awful.
The other part requires me to admit a weakness to myself. I am not as big of an ally as I thought. I just can't hold her hand through all this while she transitions. The hormones, the money going into therapy, electrolysis, and surgery means that we would have to give up our original dream of owning a home together. Being two women in a relationship, especially with one trans woman, means an end to our dreams of travelling the world together and seeing all the sights we longed to visit, like Morocco, Hainan Island, Java, Santiago... All down the drain. Not to mention, I know that it wouldn't be long before my parents would find out, and disown me, leaving me financially and emotionally vulnerable. Is it really worth all that for a woman I never get to see?
Sometimes life just gets in the way of these things. I wish her all the best and hope that life treats her the very best. Even if that means taking me out of the picture.

Oh. By the way.



  1. Sorry to hear about your breakup! Sometimes things just don't work out and it's nobody's fault. But I'm sure you will find that person to travel the world with one day.

    Stay strong!

  2. Your sentiments are very kind and wonderful Clarissa, but try reading the bottom part again. :-)

  3. I wondered what the last line was doing here but never made the connection. :-) :-) :-)